1) I cant date you if you DUNNO HOW TO DRESS!

apparently i just can't take it that some guys REALLY do not know how to dress up.

2)I cant date you if you are too handsome.

DON ASK ME WHY, just the way i am. heee too shuai i cannot uh.

3) I cant date you if your too girly.

Apparently you must be sporty. heheheh! just the way i like it.

4)I cant date you if you are too sticky and over possessive.

Self explanatory.

5) I cant date you if you are too LAME ^^

Can take lame guys, i like kao beh guys ^^

Oh well. cant think of more. lazy to think too! hehehehe!

LOL! for now, i wanna do some reflecting. Haven been doing that for a long time.

Im not really emo. but jsut wanna do some thinking by myself.

Its been long time since i was emotionally unstable.

I guess you can say that i'm much better now. Trust and thinking wise.

But it has been long since i need reassuring.

Not saying that i need it lah, just want to think to make myself sad first.

Me and Pon had a huge, er, debate? about me going overseas.

I really am not sure whether should i go anymore.

My decisions are much influenced and affected. So i need to think what do i really want.

Wendy always says that i know what i want, just that i want confirmation.

I know that this is a bad habit of mine that i rely on people opinion. Im just scared that i make the wrong decisions.

I really dunno what to do and am at a lost sometimes.

I cannot promise much to Pon. Cause i know what is it like to face reality when it doesnt happen.

He is like a time bomb that can go off anytime.

He doesnt give me any peace.

In a way, this is kinda fun, a never boring relationship. An unhealthy one. But also, this bomb can go off anytime.

That day that i went to hong hwee house on our 1st month.

I know that it was wrong for me to want to go there on our 1st month, but i really wanted to see his parents. I know that Pon wont get it why would i want to see his parents. And he would rather i don't have anything to do with him at all.

But his parents was really nice to me when we were together. Not comparing. Its two separated period.

Seeing hong hwee and casey together, i didnt feel a thing. this is probably something that i wanted to test out for a long time. I had never had the chance to see them together, so one can never be too sure how would you feel unless faced with that situation head on.

This was something that i really wanted to do.

Honestly i do take into consideration whatever Pon says.

I feel that the Lord brought him to me to teach me the evils of the world.

How to be more realistic. I can't possible care about everyone that doesnt give a shit.

And i am here to help him through his troubles.

Hmmm, honestly right, knowing that he has a lot of problems, i also quite surprise that he hasnt started smoking yet.

The only thing that heng he is not a heavy smoker.

I don't mind the occasional puff, but i don want him to rely on it.

Whats life if your always safe, but don do something that is killing yourself.

Im a selfish girl. I just want to do things that i think its right.

So far, he always says that im a heartbreaker, i agree. hee.

I don't consider his feelings when i make decisions.

China, 1st month. are just some examples of my selfishness.

oh well. if this doesnt last. i know that the pain would be even worst than the first one.

I don believe that im destine for eternal happiness. something somewhere sure will cock up due to me.

Pon said that if i were to go jsut to test our relationship, it will backfire.

The thought that i'm held back, makes me want to go even more.

But seeing what am i leaving behind hold me back.

I haven made my decision to leave or stay and i feel like im pressured to make one now.

I really don wanna think till its time to think. i still have loads of time.

I am getting itchy. fontaine wants to club. hmm. gotta find time for that too.

Headache. feels like the combination of the past and present is pressuring my weak mind.

oh well. need to think by myself again. :)

I have to get my life in shape. i have mixed up priorities that will not only harm myself, but my group mates who are very nice to me. :) Fontaine especially is my savior in poly. Without her, i might as well screw a lot of things up.

Im now together with jing xiang.

And honestly right. it was great. the starting was great.

He is a damn sweet guy that is very nice to me, and he made the asking of me to be his girlfriend, so romantic and high class. I had to wear a nice dress. Something that i never experience before. :) every time i spend with him, i will like him more and more.

Never knew what is love. still not sure about it. But as long as this thing last, why not?

I can safely say that im trying my best. more than in the past.

And also if i don't, all i can say is that we wont last.

This takes more effort than i thought it would.

I want to be there for him, but its hard cause i don't know what is the right thing to say. I may not be always free. Sometimes it just sucks the energy out of me that i am not sure that i can carry on. I never felt so helpless or lost.

He say he wants to control the relationship, instead of me, i guess he is already.

The mood of the relationship depends on him now. I am not going to add any conflict or mayhem to it. i just wanted a peaceful life.

I wanted peaceful life for a long time now. Honestly if things between me and him do not work out, then i really do not want to have a boyfriend for a long time.

I know that i will have the chance in the future, but i really do not want it now.

I get headaches almost constantly now. i just want to avoid the problems.

I don want to give up, but the headache im getting is hard to concentrate.

i have never been a fighter in this issues. never been someone who wants to stay too long when everything get too tough. In training in studies i can be strong, but in this i am not.

He was there when i needed him, i want to be there when he needs me, but i really dunno what to say. I am scared to say anything wrong that will make things even worst.

I have to admit, what Samuel said did effect me, it made me feel like what kind of a girlfriend am i. I only have a limit to my ability to care, i already said that before. And he is doing so much for me, i am afraid i cannot give back. and that if we one day break up, will he become even worst?

I don't want that on my hands.

Now i really just want to get away from all this problems.

I spend time sleeping so that i don't have to think about any of the problems.

Problems that could render everything to nothing.

Right now im having a headache.

At least i have rugby now that can relieve all my stress.

IVP is here! we have a match with SP!!! ^^

I cant wait to try my best. :)

I love him, but i don believe that, that is enough.

I wish this was my first relationship, the fighting spirit would have been much more stronger.

To be honest i cannot say an outright no, but i don think i want.

I can see that it would not make any difference.

Both of us would not be happy.

Si hao also answered for me a no. LOL~ so si hao.

Every time i do think of this, i get mixed feelings. i know its not the feeling of wanting to get back. more like nostalgic, a missing ba. i miss the old him, thats all. But honestly, this issues i dont want to think about it till the time comes. hopefully it doesn't though.

LOL! IVP IS HERE!

Need to work hard. Honestly i am really lazy to train for ivp cause of the level of commitment and its really tiring. the last training, i can even see our captain really tired. JOELYN LEH! LOL. And some more, i didn't had enough sleep. Can die.

After this IVP, im not sure if i want to continue to the next Polite. Probably Polite, but after that, maybe i won't go for the IVP. that would be during my internship. and if i go overseas then how? :) its ok. I had my chances already :)

Another thing now a days is that i cannot take richard whining. LOL!

I wonder how is he going ti survive NS sia. LOL.

This is my blog, so i just wanna rant.

LOL! not only time lah, i cannot take it when people like eat and don put away the stuff they eat in my house. i will scold them one. All my older friends, longer friends will know one. i just cannot take it and i dont like it, im not your maid. PEACE OUT!

GODDAMIT~! i need to study.

I really don think i can concentrate with Pon here. LOL.

Not that i don want him here, just too much of a distraction.

i think soon when we are together for a longer period of time, it will get better.

Probably we will get more use to each other and will not stick too much to each other?

I always said that i hate guys that stick, and that im not the kind of girl that sticks, but why in this case is it so different?

Everything is so perfect now, wonder when it will all come crashing down?

I dunno how to see things, although i really want to like one day by one day take things as it comes, but im kinda scared that this perfect feel is not going to last.

We will get sick of each other... that sort of things.

All it takes is one of us to get sian, and then everything will start spiraling down.

In any case, i hope its not me who will be sian first. I really wish it was him.

I don want everything to repeat again.

I rather be the one who gets tiring, then being the one tired.

if my english makes any sense at all.

He makes me happy. :) I hope that i can make him happy too.

in the past relationship, i use to think very much on friend view.

So much that i neglected hong hwee alot.

This time i don wanna do that, i want to take in consideration of his feelings.

He also gives me alot of space. but sometimes i feel sad that if richard and fontaine says that they don have anyone to pei them for like special occasion.

Like richard told me about count down. like sad that i wasn't single, ok, we are not together yet, but you get the drift.

Sometimes i wish i could be there for them, but now its difficult. Not that im complaining much, but i wish there was more that i could do.

CT~ cant really be bothered.

I just want to prove something. that im not dumb.

I don want to be left behind, free loader. those stuff.

I wasn't in secondary school.

Hiaz. i still dunno what is serene doing with her life.

Break up, patch, break up patch.

WTF LO.

CAN PEOPLE JUST FREAKING FIND WHAT THEY WANT! -.-

They are not making any sense. hiaz...

Life i wish was simple, but apparently with friends like this, its never going to be that simple.

You tell me not to care also cannot.

I wanna know what is the future, because if it holds sadness then i'll leave.

But if staying makes you happy then i will :)

You let me learn a whole new way in looking at a relationship.

Thanks for keep reminding me that you are not hong hwee. :)

You two are different. i don want to mix you guys up.

Fontiane is emoing now. i dunno how to help her. hiaz.. i will try smsing her. hope she feels better!

Oh well. ahhahs! Life has been much better now.

School has been better as all of us are closer now. We are really like more clique as we do go out and have fun.

Richard and sin joo is abit sad case now.

Im not sure what happened. but i do believe in that feeling cannot be forced. if it comes it comes.

Im very happy with Pon now.

We're not together, im not even sure what we are. but to be honest it doesnt really matter what we are.

ITs just the feeling i have with him.

To be honest again, i really am not use to being in a relationship kinda feel. im scared of it.

I hate feeling like this. really. hiaz... i wanna to be perfect and ok for him.

I was being unfair when he promised that he won't leave but i cant promise the same.

After the last relationship, i have no promise to anyone that i can stay.

Or whether i will stay.

SOmehow i think running would be a better option for me. I tried to make hong hwee stayed and that failed.

Before him, i really didnt believe that anyone could like me that much anymore.

One thing that really attracted me was the sincerity of his words.

His care and he didnt want to trick me.

I dunno how over i am over the past. but im not going to keep from going to the future.

looking at the bears now, its hard to tell what im feeling.

Given a choice, i still would want to make up for the mistakes that i made.

But to be honest, if making up for the mistakes means that i wont meet Pon, i dont think its worth it.

Its like God wanted me to meet him. i dunno why, its like its all been planned and carried out. A lot of things is just, fated.

I don want to think too much on this line, but i trust in God ^^.

I wonder how is he now, although to be honest i really dont wish to see him or let him know what is happening to me.

i want to just do my own things.

i have told the guys and my closer friends about Pon, i don want to be like those friends that just tell after that they got together. i want them to know first. ^^ like cause they matter alot to me.

Sometimes i wonder why Pon liked me.

He doesnt know that he can get a lot of other girls, other girls that is not scared, not chor lor, whose heart and mind is more stable for him. I am not stable, not strong, i may not even stay to fight. Why would i make you happy?

why would you wanna try so hard for me?

before that i believe i was worth it to be honest, but after all i done in the past, i dont think i am.

But i thank God that i met you, that you made me feel so much better.

i may not be strong enough or have the will power to fight. but i wanna to make you feel better at least if i decided to leave. your happiness will be something i wish to hope help you achieve. something that is not because of me only, but because of yourself.