Tsk throw myself into University, yet I find myself wasting the time there.
It is just such a pity that I found out what I would like to do when I am already inside.
Tsk wasting my time.
I always find myself feeling sore or sad when I get a lousy grade, to some it just another grade.
I know myself, sometimes I detest the kind of laziness I have in me.
Shh, don't tell others, of what kind of girl I can be.
Although what is different now is, I don't mope as much, or as long now.
Life goes on, so suck it up and on to the next one.
Although I now know that not everything can be broken down into who does best in life and such.
Sure as hell wished that I was interested enough to try harder or score better.
Have I always been so afraid to do anything?
Was I born a coward?
This emptiness, or fear that I have that I would end up alone, with nothing is terrifying me.
What scares me the most is that, some people don't have to study to be successful.
Some study their hearts out and end up successful.
What happens to those that just drift and float in life?
My thoughts are always in a mess, never in order or sequence.
Having an internal debate can really give me an headache because it would take forever to get a conclusion.
Sometimes I don't have an explanation for what I feel, just that I know what I feel.
I wish I could organize my thoughts so precise that I can answer any questions as to why am I feeling this way.
I just feel so suffocated. So unheard. So scared. So lost.
Sequence of events just keeps flashing in my mind. One dialogue after another.
I just want to feel like I am able to make a mistake. That there is room for that. That there is room for learning. That I cannot be told not to do it, but do it and know its the wrong one.
The more I say, the more I get shot down. I just feel so helpless.
Just so freaking unhappy.
I can't wait till I am able to find something worthwhile again.
Either rugby or doggy may give me more purpose in life. I miss the feeling of having a goal or a mark that we need to reach. I miss the competitive or more on the teamwork that I was surrounded with.
I wished that I was able to go in a course where talent mattered, not who could eat and vomit out everything the most. Talented based would be either you have it or you don't, that was be more comforting than knowing youare supposedly 'dumber' than your all A's friend.
Looking at my Uni acceptance letter doesn't bring me as much joy as getting accepted in tourism. I wonder whether would it be better if I went to another course instead.
I just need to find that thing that I'm good at, that thing that is my thing. I don't want to make millions ( wouldn't be bad if I did) but I just want to know what I can do better than the rest. I just don't want to fade into the background. Maybe that's why I am sensitive when people say you cannot do this and that. I would want to prove to them that I can do it.
I predict myself changing jobs frequently. I cannot imagine myself doing anything for life. Like my mum in Singtel for 30 over years.
My purpose in life, is to find my purpose in life.
I want adventure, I am trying to change to be more daring to get it.
Everything to me is such a bore.
Like when asked what I like to do... This that this that...
Nothing exciting, like yeah this happens and that happens.
I wonder where the endless possibilities that we had when we were kids go to?
Like when we were kids, we could dream of being astronauts today, doctors tomorrow and scientist the next.
Everything was made possible during playtime, then we get thrown into the world of adults, getting graded, meeting the bench mark, called stupid when we weren't good at studies, fat when we are bigger in size, slow if we don't run as fast or proud if we don't smile that much.
There always seems to have a bench mark somewhere, we can say all day not to judge, but we can't help it. We were taught from young what is pretty, what is not, what is swag/cool, what is talented, what is useless. What score we should get and what we should and should not do.
So I don't blame people when they judge, cause we all do to some point. But i respect people who don't let what they thought at first glance to be the permanent 'judgement'.
With the world as it now, there is a lot going on, evil temptation that makes people kill people as something so simple, to take a life, its so easy. Drugs, alcohol destroying someone, and in turn, they destroy their children or own lives. Its such a vicious cycle.
I wonder whether I really can be a good mother, I dunno what is enough for my child. I am not raised in a family where we go out to eat, parents loving that they go out to date. They don't cook dinner or call me whether I am coming back. Yes they ask, but what else? Where is the endless support or unconditional love that I hear so much about. When I got good marks, or even what ever marks, I wouldn't tell my mum, why? She doesn't bother asking as well. When she gets to see my marks in Poly, she ask why can't I go Uni.
I dunno Mum, i dunno why i don't have awesome results, I am sorry that I cannot go local U, I don't know how to answer when you ask why I can't, maybe you think i slack off and don't do my work and such. I'm sorry that you have to spend more money cause of that. I already offered that if you are not willing to pay then I will not go.
I don't even feel happy when i get good grades, who am i suppose to show?
It is suppose to be for myself? Well I don't feel happy.
When I was in Secondary School, my teacher told my mum that I had the potential to do very well, even top my level. I was amazed, my teacher has more faith or "expectation" than my Mum had at that point. Probably it didn't much to my teacher, having so many students, but it meant a lot to me. So I worked hard, to top, I really wanted to go to my top choice Tourism and Resort Management. Cut off point 10.
And even when I did it, I gotten my desired results, i topped. What did i get from her? Nothing.
Good job? Maybe. I just really want to have more attention i guess. Which is laughable because I am the only child yet I don't think I have enough attention.
I envy my friends parents that goes out, they go out for a family day, outings. I want that.
Somethings are easier to push aside when I was younger. Somethings are easier to ignore when I was younger. Somethings I didn't know I was lacking when I was younger.
Now when I have to think of what I want to be, everything sort of just tumble out. I find it more enjoyable when I am with others.
I want my super power, some people is rather easy, they already have it from young, like singing, acting, parents company, sewing, great style, creative art talent. Where is my super power? Something that I can do so well that I wont feel so useless.
I can tell that I just go university for the sake of it. I don't even know if my parents wants me to go or not. I lost the burning desire to do something. Going to my course was something I aimed for at least 2 years. Everyone says you have time, just think and such. And they say think about what you want to do for the rest of your life. It is not easy for me. Everything is a total blank. I can do everything, but there isn't something that I foresee myself loving it. So the only possible route that I can take would be to try things out and strike off things off.
I don't want to be one of those people who drift through life, I want to enjoy every moment of it.
I spread my wings,
I'm trying to fly.
I am constantly told that I would fall to my death,
and the skies have no place for me.
I will just stick to just being by myself and being on standby 24/7. Since that is probably the best solution.
Rushing for time as the days count down to the end of the submission period.
Do i really want to be wedding planner???
What if its not something i would want to do forever?
What if i want to change ship?
Oh gosh, I hate modern times. I wish it was back to the 1980s.
There is a lot of things to stress about, stress about money, stress about parents, stress about self, then stress about future children. I NEED ENLIGHTENMENT!
Why am I like this?
Not as if anyone would even try or be bothered about whether I'm sad or angry.
Why am I always affect.
Why I bother making so many things for you.
When all you can do is just shout shout shout. Shout at me. Scold me.
Why am I in this relationship. I told sin Joo that you will regret it if you never try. Maybe I should have given up long ago. And be that ignorant girl. At least I will be happy right?
Now I stop trying to make everyone happy. But to make you happy is the most difficult job in the world.
I don't believe that you will be better after school. I honestly don't.
We won't last. Just a matter of time.
I give up.