LOL! for now, i wanna do some reflecting. Haven been doing that for a long time.

Im not really emo. but jsut wanna do some thinking by myself.

Its been long time since i was emotionally unstable.

I guess you can say that i'm much better now. Trust and thinking wise.

But it has been long since i need reassuring.

Not saying that i need it lah, just want to think to make myself sad first.

Me and Pon had a huge, er, debate? about me going overseas.

I really am not sure whether should i go anymore.

My decisions are much influenced and affected. So i need to think what do i really want.

Wendy always says that i know what i want, just that i want confirmation.

I know that this is a bad habit of mine that i rely on people opinion. Im just scared that i make the wrong decisions.

I really dunno what to do and am at a lost sometimes.

I cannot promise much to Pon. Cause i know what is it like to face reality when it doesnt happen.

He is like a time bomb that can go off anytime.

He doesnt give me any peace.

In a way, this is kinda fun, a never boring relationship. An unhealthy one. But also, this bomb can go off anytime.

That day that i went to hong hwee house on our 1st month.

I know that it was wrong for me to want to go there on our 1st month, but i really wanted to see his parents. I know that Pon wont get it why would i want to see his parents. And he would rather i don't have anything to do with him at all.

But his parents was really nice to me when we were together. Not comparing. Its two separated period.

Seeing hong hwee and casey together, i didnt feel a thing. this is probably something that i wanted to test out for a long time. I had never had the chance to see them together, so one can never be too sure how would you feel unless faced with that situation head on.

This was something that i really wanted to do.

Honestly i do take into consideration whatever Pon says.

I feel that the Lord brought him to me to teach me the evils of the world.

How to be more realistic. I can't possible care about everyone that doesnt give a shit.

And i am here to help him through his troubles.

Hmmm, honestly right, knowing that he has a lot of problems, i also quite surprise that he hasnt started smoking yet.

The only thing that heng he is not a heavy smoker.

I don't mind the occasional puff, but i don want him to rely on it.

Whats life if your always safe, but don do something that is killing yourself.

Im a selfish girl. I just want to do things that i think its right.

So far, he always says that im a heartbreaker, i agree. hee.

I don't consider his feelings when i make decisions.

China, 1st month. are just some examples of my selfishness.

oh well. if this doesnt last. i know that the pain would be even worst than the first one.

I don believe that im destine for eternal happiness. something somewhere sure will cock up due to me.

Pon said that if i were to go jsut to test our relationship, it will backfire.

The thought that i'm held back, makes me want to go even more.

But seeing what am i leaving behind hold me back.

I haven made my decision to leave or stay and i feel like im pressured to make one now.

I really don wanna think till its time to think. i still have loads of time.

I am getting itchy. fontaine wants to club. hmm. gotta find time for that too.

Headache. feels like the combination of the past and present is pressuring my weak mind.

oh well. need to think by myself again. :)