Fight after fights.
Sometimes its really tiring but sometimes it really makes me learn about what i want.
Although sometimes i really just shut up cause i feel that whatever i say is invalid.
I know that i overreact to certain things and i know that sometimes i have weird logic, i guess thats is the only girlly thing about me?
I don't think or feel like other normal girls i guess.
I didnt think i was that bad at relationship, or that i was fucked up.
LOL. i was looking for the area in my life that my past would have affected, i guess i found it.
I care a alot about pleasing people, because from young i had been taught how to make my maid happy by listening to her.
I have a fear of losing friends in school cause i loved school cause it was my form of escape from my house.
And from young, i could not fight, so i had to rely on varies mediums as a form of escape.
This are not excuses, but things i thought of when i was comtemplating.
What i really want in life?
I myself aint sure about that. I thought i was happy for a moment till i know that me being busy was getting tiring and just a chore. But I am always okay with making people happy so i didnt realise that it was making me tired.
Of course with the help of Pon, then i sort of realise it.
Even though, at first i felt like he is controlling me, i realised that in a way, i just didnt like it that someone saw right through stuff that i myself didnt realise.
My friends always said that why am i so busy. I guess it really had to take someone like Pon to actually scold me to see it.
I am not enjoying myself lah. I don't enjoy the fact that i have to keep running around like mad person cause i have other commitments that i cannot stay with the people that matters the most.
So now, although it may be late, but im trying to free up my time for people that matters. I want to be more free so also that i can concentrate next sem cause next sem is the sem where everything will be super heavy and tough. And also! i don wanna let my group mates down.
Its our last sem together till we have intern.
Intern is another headache! HEHE! Hopefully i wanna get brian to hire me! :)
Although sometimes i really just wish that Pon wouldn't be so difficult to handle. Like maybe he can be abit more relaxed and easy going? I still love him lots though... I thought i wouldnt miss him when i went to iDare but i did. Sometimes i just feel that, like eveyone said, you did everything right no one will remember, untill you do something wrong then it will be like a stain where everyone will remember.
I feel that way when i with him sometimes. Like everything that i have right = to nothing just cause i done something wrong.
I can't be a perfect girl, just hope that someday that he will accept me and don't be so sad.
He said that he comtemplated in leaving me when i was away, at that point in time i was shocked and heartbroken? Not sure what i felt, just hurt ba.
But in that point in time i just felt that no matter what i do, wont be enough to satisfy him.
So now i will just try my best, but also anticipate the day that he will leave so that i wont be caught off guard like yesterday.
I don believe in together forever, maybe for a good reason too.
Eyes pain from crying so much.
I always pray to God that maybe i was a mistake, and that he needs to find the courage to leave me so that he can move on to the actual one for him?
I don really care in that sense for myself cause i will cope? like how i did last time? if that is called coping. I can survive ba. But seeing him so sad cause of me, makes me hate myself.
As much as im scared that he will leave me, i am more scared that i will wear him out.
This whole relationship is his call, i never once wanted to break up cause i was tired. I wanted to break up cause i see him so sad, and i know that i cannot make him happy. His perfect girl is not me.
I know that it will hurt like hell, but i know that i will survive. Not thinking and just living ba. I want the best for everyone. I will find my way ba. Just that hopes that no one gets hurt.
I know that he doesnt trust me, and i do believe that no relationship can be based on no trust. I dont wanna work to regain it. i just wanna do my best. Cause i don't know how to regain it. I will try my best to fufil his request though.
I am dumb, sometimes i just don get the reason of certian things.
Sometimes i really wanna explain about why i couldnt call, but i guess all it matters was that i didnt call. Not the fact that it was hard for me to get the phone at the point in time cause the cave was so seperated and that i couldnt see my freshie all the time. oh well.
Just goes to show sometimes why i shuddap, cause what i say is just invalid.
I avoid cause i know that what ever say is invalid. so i just don say anything.
I will learn not to be so scared or reliant, its scary to know that the other party was thinking of leaving anytime soon.
I only can love you in my own way, not in any others. If its not enough then maybe we arent made for each other?
As much as i love you, i will let you go. |
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