Everything to me is such a bore.
Like when asked what I like to do... This that this that...
Nothing exciting, like yeah this happens and that happens.
I wonder where the endless possibilities that we had when we were kids go to?
Like when we were kids, we could dream of being astronauts today, doctors tomorrow and scientist the next.
Everything was made possible during playtime, then we get thrown into the world of adults, getting graded, meeting the bench mark, called stupid when we weren't good at studies, fat when we are bigger in size, slow if we don't run as fast or proud if we don't smile that much.
There always seems to have a bench mark somewhere, we can say all day not to judge, but we can't help it. We were taught from young what is pretty, what is not, what is swag/cool, what is talented, what is useless. What score we should get and what we should and should not do.
So I don't blame people when they judge, cause we all do to some point. But i respect people who don't let what they thought at first glance to be the permanent 'judgement'.
With the world as it now, there is a lot going on, evil temptation that makes people kill people as something so simple, to take a life, its so easy. Drugs, alcohol destroying someone, and in turn, they destroy their children or own lives. Its such a vicious cycle.
I wonder whether I really can be a good mother, I dunno what is enough for my child. I am not raised in a family where we go out to eat, parents loving that they go out to date. They don't cook dinner or call me whether I am coming back. Yes they ask, but what else? Where is the endless support or unconditional love that I hear so much about. When I got good marks, or even what ever marks, I wouldn't tell my mum, why? She doesn't bother asking as well. When she gets to see my marks in Poly, she ask why can't I go Uni.
I dunno Mum, i dunno why i don't have awesome results, I am sorry that I cannot go local U, I don't know how to answer when you ask why I can't, maybe you think i slack off and don't do my work and such. I'm sorry that you have to spend more money cause of that. I already offered that if you are not willing to pay then I will not go.
I don't even feel happy when i get good grades, who am i suppose to show?
It is suppose to be for myself? Well I don't feel happy.
When I was in Secondary School, my teacher told my mum that I had the potential to do very well, even top my level. I was amazed, my teacher has more faith or "expectation" than my Mum had at that point. Probably it didn't much to my teacher, having so many students, but it meant a lot to me. So I worked hard, to top, I really wanted to go to my top choice Tourism and Resort Management. Cut off point 10.
And even when I did it, I gotten my desired results, i topped. What did i get from her? Nothing.
Good job? Maybe. I just really want to have more attention i guess. Which is laughable because I am the only child yet I don't think I have enough attention.
I envy my friends parents that goes out, they go out for a family day, outings. I want that.
Somethings are easier to push aside when I was younger. Somethings are easier to ignore when I was younger. Somethings I didn't know I was lacking when I was younger.
Now when I have to think of what I want to be, everything sort of just tumble out. I find it more enjoyable when I am with others.
I want my super power, some people is rather easy, they already have it from young, like singing, acting, parents company, sewing, great style, creative art talent. Where is my super power? Something that I can do so well that I wont feel so useless.
I can tell that I just go university for the sake of it. I don't even know if my parents wants me to go or not. I lost the burning desire to do something. Going to my course was something I aimed for at least 2 years. Everyone says you have time, just think and such. And they say think about what you want to do for the rest of your life. It is not easy for me. Everything is a total blank. I can do everything, but there isn't something that I foresee myself loving it. So the only possible route that I can take would be to try things out and strike off things off.
I don't want to be one of those people who drift through life, I want to enjoy every moment of it.
I spread my wings,
I'm trying to fly.
I am constantly told that I would fall to my death,
and the skies have no place for me.
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